Thanksgiving Sucked

Well yes my holiday did suck! It snowed, which wasent bad. Rich went out to plow for a few hours. He came home and we went to my moms. Dinner was ok, I dont think we (me and Rich) really felt all that welcome though. Mom gave plenty of attention to Cara, and directly ignored me while I was talking. Dad, Brain, Rich and Lucy had all feel asleep in the living room. Mom, me, Maggie, and Cara all sat at the kitchen table talking. I finally got sick of my mother hanging all over Cara and point blank ignoring me that i got up and went into the livingroom. Dad and Brain had moved downstairs and Rich and Lucy were still sleeping on the love seat.

When Rich woke up I was like " Are you ready?"

WE LEFT

I think he was just as happy as I was to get out of that house. We didnt do anything Friday night, but Saturday was another story.

Mike came over and the three of us all went to the pool hall for some drinks and a couple of games. Mike and I did a whole lot of shots, Rich had been drinking since noon so he was already buzzed. When we got home Mike left and Rich and I got in the typical drunk fight and he went to bed. I then inturn went through his phone!

OHH LORDY WHAT DID I FIND??
Numbers numbers numbers! So of course I drunk dial ( what kind of drunk would I be if I didnt?) His ex girlfriend answers! We talked for about 4 hours while he was passed out in bed. When he woke up Shit hit the fan..

She was telling me that they had been seeing each other for the past year and had been trying to work things out. That she had broke it off with him back in September. Alot of things made sence. Some things didnt.

He told me that he had called her, checking on the kids (not his kids, hers, but they were together for 4 years) And that he was trying to butter her up so he could get his stuff back.
I dont know what to believe. She said he never worked the whole time they were together. She paid for everything and is now in debt because of him. Now hes working and I get his check, so im covered on that much.

Im not sure if im just blind inlove with him, or if im just afraid i'll never find anyone else and thats why im with him. Im very confused. He asked me if i wanted him to move out. And I dont! I love him and I love what we have together. Im just not sure whats really going on.

So im keeping track of everything, im not going to just put things in the back of my mind. When I think somethings not right im going to call him on it.. Hopefully that wont have to happen.

Quick Update

Just wanted to log on quick to update whats been going on.

Rich and I are doing well, havent been fighting so much lately. And YES he is going to Thanksgiving at my moms even though he said he wouldnt.

Im working on getting the house re-mortgaged, I talked to my dad about getting an equity loan since its in "the parents" names also. Im going with a company on-line and im going to refinance the whole thing over into my name, with alittle extra money to pay off bills ( credit cards, mom, and the garage). Havent told dad im doing it this way but o-well its my house.

Rich blew his shoulder out monday at work so hes been alittle messed up this week, he is trying to work though.

UPDATE UPDATE

Just got back from getting parts, Rich and I got in a "thing" alittle while ago. Just about paper work for his plowing. He never got his check from last season ( or did he?), So I dont understand why he would work for someone who doesnt pay.

WHATEVER

And I just got my period! Guess we're not pregnant AGAIN

Happy Fuckin Thanksgiving!

It's Like Winter

I woke up this morning with frost on my windshield, its not the first time this year but it seemed very cold. This time of year is the best with the anticipation of the holiday's. It seems once Christmas has come and gone there is nothing to really look forward to.

Well im looking ahead to next week, with Thanksgiving and all im going to have 4 days off. Im sure that I wont get much done the day after seeing how Rich will be working, so I intend to do nuthing but putter around the house. It seems like forever since I truely had the house to myself for more than a couple of hours. Since he made the big move into the house it seems like when Im there, he's there. Sould be nice to just get a break and just get back to me.

We are spending Thankgiving at my parents house, should be a "great time" seeing how both my mom and dad like Rich, but dont love him. It's just always awkward for some reason. Im sure it will be fine, my moms friends Brain and Maggie will be there and im sure Maggies daughter Cara will show up later. I like Cara, we have kinda grown up together through holiday's. Thats the only time that I see her, but we have been sharing holiday's since we were young. She's cool until she gets alittle too much juice into her, then its like she's the devil. What can I say, someone has to bring the drama to holiday's.

On another note, I slept wonderfully last night. Rich didnt hog the bed, I wasent repulsed at him touching me, which I have been the last few nights. He sweats like you wouldnt believe, Like sokes the sheet kind sweat. He did last night but I had my own space. I think I also slept well because I spoked another joint around 7:00. Pot always makes you sleep better. So much for giving it up, I cant it keeps me sane.

So all in all im feeling better these last few days, Still trying to relax, things are never as bad as they seem right away. If you give yourself time to soak everything in, talk to your other half about things, or just vent on this damn blog, things will get better.....

Stoned

So yeah im stoned at work, so what?

I woke up this morning feeling alittle sick, I must have gotten the stomach bug that Rich had Monday, and Dozer had yesterday. Didn't really feel like going to Hell (work), but I had too. The Morgage was due today so I had to go to the bank, and it being Wednesday and all I had to do payroll.

Rich called, his connection had come through at work so I was good with the "trees"! Run up to his work to grab my prize then stoped at home to have alittle taste.

It's now a whole new world! I do believe that pot is the miracle drug for every ailment that anyone could have. I feel so much better about life in general, it relaxes me to the point of no stress. My stomach feels good, not great but good.

Hopefully Rich and I will have a good night, Im going to try like Hell. So after work its back the the market, cook dinner, laundry, sheets, and what ever else I find on the way. Im happy right now so I dont mind a bit.

Im going to call the eye specialist for Lucy, she has to go back under and have some more work done on her eye's. My poor girl, Im sure she'll do better through the whole thing than I will. She's my baby, my everything when it all comes down to it. I could loose everything, and it would suck dont get me wrong, but if I have my Lucy lifes good.

A Better Day

Today is alittle better, Im starting to feel like if I try, I can really get ahold of my life. I think my biggest problem is stress, I dont know how to handle it without flipping out. So Im going to take the extra time each day to get away from it all and relax. Even if the means taking an extra long shower, hidding in my room reading a book, or just sitting around watching the dogs play.

Speaking of dogs, I have about 10 minutes before I have to leave for the vet, Lucy is still having problems with her eye. When I called I told the nurse that I wanted to see the doctor that had done her surgery, Im sick of seeing a different vet everytime I go in there. So she booked me right away, they dont like to mess around with eye stuff I guess..

Well Im gonna pack my girl up at bring her to her least favorite place.

What am i doing?

I had a really bad weekend, I dont know what im doing with my life. I have seperated myself from my friends and family, trying to get things right between Rich and I. I cant hang out with my friends, or my brother, Hanging out with them means "cocaine"! And im done with that. I was so far into it that i really and truly didnt think i could ever stop.

Well I did stop and I dont want to ever go back to that dark place of never really knowing who i was. Depression, and anxiety, Prozac and Adivan from the doctor. I was just so messed up. Its all coming back at me full force with dad finding out about my brother and I and the drugs. I guess he said something to Billy ( our dealer) last weekend. So I know my brother will never speek to me again.

Its just that i dont know what to do, i feel like i dont have anyone to turn too. A good friend that i can talk openly about the drugs, my family, rich, my lack of self worth.. Im beginning to think im about to loose everthing i have. Rich is just an asshole half the time and I dont know who to talk to about it all. Im on the verge of a breakdown, like commit me kinda breakdown.

I think maybe thats what i need actually, a rest!

I have been thinking maybe i should sell my house and just go. I almost have no relationship with my mom anymore, And since she has been on some new headache medication, she has lost about 50 lbs. Do you know what its like to look at you mom and not see her anymore? She's not the same person, outside or in. She's different, shes not my mom.

So that leaves me here with nothing, a sad girl slipping back into depression, with noway out.
I really just want to slip into a hole and sleep, lie there with my Lucy and sleep. Im sure it wouldnt be to hard, i dont think anyone would notice.

I sat up last night by myself, after Rich and i fought and he passed out drunk again. Found myself going back and forth to the kitchen cabinet to sneak shot of Yukon out of my hidden stash above the stove. How sad that the only way i can sleep now is if i drink 5 or 6 shots? And God forbid Rich know, Im sure i would get an ass reaming over that. But its ok that he gets drunk and decides he wants to play "golden showers" with me while im sitting on the couch.. Im telling you nothing is more degrading than having someone you love pee on you without your consent. I mean if its really like a fetish thing for him, maybe i would let him do it in the shower or something. But to pee on me while im fully clothed sitting on the couch is wrong.

Or maybe thats just what i am, someone to piss on.

Fuck him!

So I know that ive already posted today but im so pissed off right now I gotta let some of it out!

My father is a fucken sneak! Hes asks me to take his truck to the car wash while im out getting lunch, not a problem. I stop at the ATM to get out some money for dinner tonight and to deposit Rich's check. I open the center console to get a pen, theres all my reciept's from the ATM or the pharmacy, wal-mart, the food store, oh and the best one... My hotel reciept from back in July.
there were a couple of slips from the "company card" in there also, gas, deli, cash advances, only like 3 slips were not mine.. so i go through all of them and write on the papers which ones are mine and circle the card number... Put it all back nice and tighty. Now, some of these slips are from like last week. Which is well over the time since he took the card away, What im trying to say is that when i was wrighting all my charges into my "personal" check register and throwing them into the trash, the damn things never made it to the dumpster!

Can you believe he's actually going threw the rubbish, while looking threw my personal shit im sure he was looking for clinches from my butts. We all know hes still smoking even after the whole, lung collapsing... TWICE..

So i have decided that nothing of mine is going into the trash at my office, Im going to call a rubbish company and get service at home, Im not going to say anything to him about this, He's a Fucking Ass Hole , and maybe i should tell everyone what i found behind his seat!!!

Im Lost

Rich comes home last night from work, does his normal "grabbing of the beer", giving the dogs there cookies, and sitting in his chair. He asked me to get his dinner, which i dont mind doing, he then asks me to take his boots off. HMMM.... So i get up to take them off ( i know i know, white trash) as i bend over to unlace them he says, " can you rub you tounge over your teeth and seductively say that you love to take them off for me?" What? i was so imbarresed i couldnt do it and he got mad. We were watching King of Queens and as Doug was walking in the door after work, Karri runs to the door and says " My Mans Home" and gives him a big kiss. Rich says "I dont even get that when i walk in". Whatever... I got up to take a shower..

The rest of the night seemed as though we couldnt stand each other. Rich sat there and drank about 11 beers, I dont understand why he has to drink so much. Whats wrong with having a few after a tough day at work and just relaxing? I think that is relaxing to him, to just get drunk. I told him i was going to bed around 9:15 and he followed me in.

Now we NEVER have before bed sex, EVER!!! he put his arms around me, started kissing me, as he moved his hand down between my legs. I opened them slightly as i reached for him. He moved ontop of me and said " i love you baby, i want us to get pregnant so bad" It was good sex, he seemed to enjoy himself. I on the other hand faked it. Which is ok with me, i enjoy him enjoying me. I the one thing i want more than anything is to have his baby.

I never thought i would have the whole "biological clock"thing, but DAMN i can feel it. I getting afraid that i cant get pregnant, that im too old, that he drinks too much and therefore his swimmers arent so great. Im just getting nervous about it, Will it happen soon? Will it ever happen? I dont think i will feel like a complete woman until i have carried and delivered my child. Im just feeling empty inside..

The Anniversary

Last night was our 1 year, Rich came home after work, I was doing my usual after work routine of running around like an idiot. He came in and i said hi, then i went into the living room to fold the blankets on the couch. I looked up at him as he walked into the room and he pulled from behind his back, FLOWERS! Now mind you that they were the last minute, buy me at the gas station flowers, but flowers just the same. I was so happy that he atleast thought to do something.

Which brings me back to "am i turning into white trash trailer park?" The flowers were great but i would rather have spent the night rolling around the sheets with him. Instead i got to watch him get drunk, and go to bed at 8:30... Whatever! guess i cant expect too much, his is after all a man. It just reminded me of that country song "did i shave my legs for this?" Deana something or other sings it.

Talked to Tom this morning, had phone sex again. What am i doing? I know i need to stop this but we give each other what we need. GREAT SEX! on the phone mind you... HE truly loves me, im sure im going to Hell for this.

Rich The CHILD

So yeah its our 1 year anniversary, i get woken up to... "did you wash my work shirts yet?" nice huh? So i get up and bring him to get the car that his dads giving him(piece of shit), it will be better on gas going back and for to work..

I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed today.... Well hes been calling all morning signing "happy anniversary" which is cute, we're not doing anything special.. maybe i MIGHT get lucky..

He just called me and said that he just walked out of his job, He had gotten in another fight with Timmy the dumb ass.. Im sure everything will be ok, I just wish he could go in and do his job and not worry about what everyone else is doing.. It makes for very stressing nights, as soon as he walks in he starts bitching about work, eats his dinner, has some beers and goes to bed! Is this really what my life has become? Im living like a 40 something year old woman.

Or maybe im becoming one of those trailer park, white trash wives.. you know like "get me a beer bitch" Thats what i feel like lately, is that what we have become? I come home from work, run around cleaning up the mess from the night before, do laundry, make dinner, have his cold ass beer waiting for him.. Its gotta get better than this!

On the other hand, Tom's bitching that if it were "our" anniversary he would do something special, make me feel like a princess, well its not "our" anniversary, and all he did was make me feel like shit about the fact that the man that i live with, that i will most likely marry, is an idiot!
I know he wasent saying these things to make me feel that way, but in the end i did.. On our anniversary Tom sent me a Coach bag, that i love!!!

Tom then decides to tell me how his wife tried to have sex with him again last night. Now i know i have no right to be upset, he does what he has too. BUT, they have sex like once every month or so.. they had sex Friday and Sat. night this week! and then on Tuesday she wants it again? What the fuck is up with that???? He is never the one to make the first move, or atleast thats what he tells me, and i believe him (stupid girl i know!!) He turned her down last night, but it still made me feel weird that all of a sudden this is going on..

All in all just a sucky day, im just sad, wishing it would all just go away..

I think maybe i should go back to the doctor and get myself back on Prozac!

Love?

So im wondering how long im gonna keep this up with Tom, and Rich both. I realized this morning while talking on the phone with Tom after Rich left for work, that he is the man i was put on this earth to be with. I cant explain it, im a very needy, moody person, Tom exepts all of me and knows how to deal with everything i need. I know it sounds one sided but its not. I also seem to get him.
Tom is a 40 year old man with a wife and two kids, his life at home has turned him into basically the yard boy and the taxi driver. He loves his kids more than anything, and that is one of the things that i admire most about him. Hes not planning on leaving his wife untill his youngest is out of high school, thats another 8 years. He hasent asked me wait, he says he wont do that. He wants me too, he wishes that i would, and we dream about what it would be like then. He is my ONE true love.
I never thought that i could feel so loved, so understood by another person, i would trust him with everything, i know he would protect me and love me, hold my hand , open doors and all that stuff too. He just gets me, And i continue to lie to him. ( im such an asshole)

On the other hand, Rich and i had a pretty good night last night, just sat around watched tv, had a couple of drinks, (i smoked alittle) couldnt fix the water problem completely, so i called the well guy this morning, he should be there by 6. Rich went in to bed @8:30, i stayed up till round 11:00, took the dogs out and went to bed. When he woke me up this morning, he already had his lunch and hot chocolate made and i didnt have to do anything, how nice of him to let me sleep alittle late...

im lost at what to do

Almost the perfect weekend

Friday night Rich and i went to the Olive Garden for dinner, It was nice and he handled most of it pretty well. Besides the fact that the wait was like 45 minutes. We decide to go to the bar and have a drink and wait. Well i didnt have cash on me only the debit card, He gets pissed off and says" WHY DONT WE HAVE ANY CASH?" Dick head! We dont have cash cause im trying to keep it all in the bank so we dont needlessly spend the money. I didnt get into it with him its not worth it. After that we got are seat and dinner was good. Went home let the doggies out and went to bed.

Saturday we went to storage and got his big tv and recliner, which ment cleaning the rugs, moving my big tv into the bedroom and rearranging all of the furniture! It went ok, his buddy mike came over for some beers and agreed with me that the recliner (which was dead smack infront of the tv) was in an awkward place, i said i would change it the next day. Rich feel asleep around 11:30 right after he ate the burgers and mac and cheese that i had made once Mike left. I left him on the couch and took Lucy to bed with me.

Sunday was looking to be the best day we have had in a long time, Rich let me sleep in. When i woke up we just hung out watching tv till around 12. I got up to do some dishes and he came up behind me and started rubbing my neck, kissing me the way he kisses when he wants me, like really wants me. Down came my pants right their at the sink and i felt his follow shortly after. I felt his excitment from behind and he just bent me over...... ( too much) after that he went to clean the rugs in the bedroom and i got to changing that yucky living room set up. My Idea was wonderful, I love the room now. Big huge 50'something inch tv, cant complain. Even the recliner that doesnt match my stuff doesnt make me sick.
A few hours later we got into it again in the bedrooom, it was plain old Great sex. I love him so much and i put up with so much (as im sure he does) all because i love him, and when its good, its really reallly good. We dont have sex often, well i guess that depends on what often is. About every week or so, but when we do its a few times in that one day.
Around 6:30 after i had fed him a huge chicken dinner, all the fixins, we sat down to watch a DVD, just as i sat down i was thinkin what a great day it had been, how in love with him i was! SHIT hit the fan about then. Im looking at the movie thinkin why is this black and white? turns out somethings isnt plugged in right from changing tv's. Rich makes me call my father to ask him, when i know hes not gonna be able to help. End of movie.....
After that he was dropping his empty beer can over and over, threw 2 of them at my head while i was laying on the couch, thinkin he's funny but got no respose from me, i wasent getting up to get it, i just sat down! got pissed off kicked the dog, and got his own beer. When he came back into the living room i was like "are you really that pissed that i wouldnt get you a beer?"
"Aly SHUT UP and watch tv"
im like "what"
"Just shut up and watch tv"
WHATEVER
So we sit there for a few minutes, i got up and went downstairs to change over laundry, and there was water leaking on the floor. The pressure valve had been leaking so i went upstairs knowing that i should tell Rich, grabbed the phone and called my dad. He tried to walk me through shutting the water off it didnt work (old house, half-ass everything) So i go upstairs and the Dickhead is like whats goin on, he goes downstairs gets the water off, and takes the valve that i had to buy off. So we had no water and still dont, im going to change it when i get home. We go back upstairs and talked about the events of the suck ass evening, he said he didnt know why he flipped out, that i shouldnt have called my father, He's (Rich) the man of the house and i should come to him. I told him i wasent about to ask him to do anything after his flip out. Anyways this is a long story becoming longer. Had a thunder storm, lost power,blew fuses,dogs were shaking, went to bed.... Guess everythings ok.

Working For DAD

Have you ever heard the fraise "never work with family"? Well i can tell you it has it's good point's and it has it's bad! My dad owns his own Mack Truck repair shop, Where my two older brothers used to work, Scott and Steve. Steve Now lives in NC where he is a car chief on a Nextel Cup car, he was the only smart one out of us all who left town in a hurry. Scott left the shop a few years ago and works for himself now. And then theres me, left to pick up the pieces when the two of them left. I cant leave, my dad knows nothing about the "paper" end of running a business, he can twist a wrench like nobody has seen, but thats the extent of it. Before Steve left he had managed to hide a good $300,000.00 out of the business for his "race car" thing. Buying motors, tires, cars, trailers, and what ever else he needed to be the "big time" driver that he had dreamed of being since he was a kid. Dad figured out what was going on after the fact, chocked it up to "thats just Steve beeing selfish". I on the other hand got in trouble a couple of weeks ago when Dad found the statement for the company credit card. Oops!!! So i went to Walmart a couple of times, its not like i had a shopping spree on Newbury Street! Other charges that were on it were gas stations and a couple of them for the Deli in town ( where yeah maybe a few times the company bought beer and wine for my house) so the total was like $4000. I know its alot of money, but did i get an ass reaming! "your just like Steve, A God Damn thief" Can you believe that? what i took wasent even close to what Steve did, Im not making excuses but come on! Now Dads like "office guy" checking everything, doesnt trust me as far as he could throw me. Which is fine with me, i know i dont deserve his trust. Everyday coming into work is like walking into Hell for me, everyday there is something else that i had done wrong! So now im going to pay the company back alittle every month to pay it back. Dad said he would forget about it all and pay it himself if i went and got help! HELP, for what? ohhhh my "impulsive shopping"! I dont have a problem, i dont need help, it was just easy to spend someone elses money. Not an excuse, im not proud of myself. But i dont need help! I'll pay him back!!

One the otherside of my wonderful life, Rich and i are going out to dinner tonight. Its going to be are new thing. Since we dont have much money to do anything these days, we work all week so we should get something for just us. Friday's after a long week we can go out, have a few drinks, dinner, and spend some nice time together. I really need to get this thing with Tom under control, i cant stop though, i love him!

My first entry

Well this is my first time ( and i thought i would never be able to say that again). Dont really know where to begin. Im in debt, debt that i thought i would never be in again! All because of my boyfriend. Dont get me wrong its not like he stole money from me or anything, i just basically paid all his bills for the past 6 months while he sat around and did nothing! Mr. Visa isnt too happy about that! Now hes back to work and living with me in my house, my one bedroom house with my dog Lucy and his stupid ass dumb dog Dozer. We are now making an effort to pay off bills, build a garage, and then add on to the house. Oh yeah and trying to get pregnant, I know its not the best time to try to have a baby, but is there ever really "a good time" for it? its not like most people are ever financially ready.

I SHOULD MENTION TOM!
Well Rich is my boyfriend for just about a year now, Tom is the man that i was ment to spend the rest of my life with, We met in a chat room and have been talking on the phone for about 3 years now. Tom's married, has a couple of kids, white picket fence and all that! Hes not happy with his wife but stayes for the kids. Now i have never actually met him, and heres the reason. He thinks i look like someone im not!!! When we first started talking he asked me to send a picture, i sent one of a friend of mine. And 3 years later he has fallen in love with me, me the girl on the phone not the girl in the picture, but i cant bring myself to tell him that im not 5'5" 120lbs, im actually 5'10" 200lbs. He says he would love me whether i were any size but its like im stuck in this hole of lies now! He is the man i am suppose to be with! I have never felt so much love or givin so much before in my life. He has gotten me through a lot of hard times, Getting off cocaine, depression, suicide attempts, Tom is like my shrink, my sexual healer, my best friend, MY SOUL MATE.

Im at work so i should get back too it