The trouble with depression

I watched some show the other night on the human brain. A big part of the hour show was about how cocaine effects the brain. I guess when you do it it boost's some chemical in you to make you happy. If you do too much of it eventually your body stops making that chemical and it kicks you into depression. So the only way for you to be "happy" is doing the drug. Is that the most insane thing you have ever heard? When I look back on how things happend in my life, I had always been a depressed person, I think maybe thats why I started using cocaine to begin with. When I was partying everyone was my friend, we all had such a great time. And for the first time in my life a felt like I actually had "friends". Once I got into it pretty heavy I got insanely depressed ( not that it stoped my from shoving it up my nose). So depressed that I ended up on prozac and adivan. Its not a good thing to give a "drug addict" prescription tranquilizers/sleeping pills. All the more partying you can do, take a pill and fall asleep.

I didnt really think back then that i was an addict, now that im not using and i think about the things that i did and how far gone i really was, im really suprised that i was able to stop. The using of the cocaine as a recreational drug had turned into me sitting at home alone and cooking it so that i could smoke it. The only thing that i miss about those days was the feeling that i got when i took my first hit. I miss that feeling, i miss it all the time. But in order to get that feeling many things are involved. Nevermind that you then spend the next 7 to 12 hours chassing the pipe trying to get the feeling of that first hit. Your never going to get that one great hit, but you still try.

I dont know where all this is coming from or why im even talking about it. Guess ive just been thinking about it lately, wanting that feeling that only comes from taking a hit. Im not going back to it, i just need some place to talk about it.