Did you ever wonder?

Im wondering if my life would be where it is now if it werent for the places that I have already been. If I didnt get so heavy into drugs and the party scene would I be a better person than I am now? Would it have changed my out come in the long run. Im not sure that I would take any of it back, the more that I think about it the more I see how I was taken advantage of. My brother is the most of all. I still love him more than I can express but im ashamed of the things we did while on drugs. He should have looked out for me instead of throwing me in the loop to have his fun with. Damn him for ruinning everything. I dont think we will ever speek again and he only live 5 miles down the road. He will never get so see my kids grow up ( when i do finally get pregnant) he will not be apart of any aspect in my life. And he will carry on being the great funny guy whose the life of the party that im not at, and he will continue to have his face reflecting in a mirror with a little straw jammed up his nose.

I dont know why im thinking about this today, Im really missing him though. I shouldnt, i know that. But I just remembet the days when I thought that my big brother was the best thing in the world. Nothing could hurt me, I would always be protected, And I would always be loved. Thats not how it is anymore and I guess in order for me to have the good, I have to take the very very bad with it and im not willing to do that anymore.

I just miss the good times even if I was high