What am i doing?

I had a really bad weekend, I dont know what im doing with my life. I have seperated myself from my friends and family, trying to get things right between Rich and I. I cant hang out with my friends, or my brother, Hanging out with them means "cocaine"! And im done with that. I was so far into it that i really and truly didnt think i could ever stop.

Well I did stop and I dont want to ever go back to that dark place of never really knowing who i was. Depression, and anxiety, Prozac and Adivan from the doctor. I was just so messed up. Its all coming back at me full force with dad finding out about my brother and I and the drugs. I guess he said something to Billy ( our dealer) last weekend. So I know my brother will never speek to me again.

Its just that i dont know what to do, i feel like i dont have anyone to turn too. A good friend that i can talk openly about the drugs, my family, rich, my lack of self worth.. Im beginning to think im about to loose everthing i have. Rich is just an asshole half the time and I dont know who to talk to about it all. Im on the verge of a breakdown, like commit me kinda breakdown.

I think maybe thats what i need actually, a rest!

I have been thinking maybe i should sell my house and just go. I almost have no relationship with my mom anymore, And since she has been on some new headache medication, she has lost about 50 lbs. Do you know what its like to look at you mom and not see her anymore? She's not the same person, outside or in. She's different, shes not my mom.

So that leaves me here with nothing, a sad girl slipping back into depression, with noway out.
I really just want to slip into a hole and sleep, lie there with my Lucy and sleep. Im sure it wouldnt be to hard, i dont think anyone would notice.

I sat up last night by myself, after Rich and i fought and he passed out drunk again. Found myself going back and forth to the kitchen cabinet to sneak shot of Yukon out of my hidden stash above the stove. How sad that the only way i can sleep now is if i drink 5 or 6 shots? And God forbid Rich know, Im sure i would get an ass reaming over that. But its ok that he gets drunk and decides he wants to play "golden showers" with me while im sitting on the couch.. Im telling you nothing is more degrading than having someone you love pee on you without your consent. I mean if its really like a fetish thing for him, maybe i would let him do it in the shower or something. But to pee on me while im fully clothed sitting on the couch is wrong.

Or maybe thats just what i am, someone to piss on.