Im MARRIED

Thats right your heard it here first! I am now a married woman. Rich and I went to Hampton Beach with our friends and my parents and had a nice ceremony on the beach. What an amazing day! I truely love this man. We also went to the doctors and as soon as I lose some more weight we are going to try IVF. Preggo hear I come.

Im here

Its been a long time since I have posted. Ive been busy planning my wedding. On September 30th 2006 I will be a married woman! Crazy I know! Rich and I went to the doctors and found out that his sperm are useless. So now it is up to me to lose weight so that we can do invetro. Im real happy about that! I guess if you want something you need to work for it.

The Doctor appt.

Well Tuesday Rich and I have our first infertility appt. Im so fucking nervous!!! Im afriad the doc is going to tell me to lose weight and we should be fine. Ive been feeling sick so i thought that maybe i was preggos so Rich made me take a test even though im not late yet so it came back neg. O well guess well keep trying

Spring Is In The Air

So things are finally feeling alittle better for me. Last week was ruff for some reason, i was just really sad. I had a pretty good weekend, Rich and I actually spent some time together on Saturday. I ended up drinking two bottles of very cheap wine and he, about 15 beers. We were pretty out of it, had some almost really good sex too.

Everything is starting to grow outside, i love spring. It gives me the feeling of hope and new life. Maybe this spring will bring me a pregnancy and a wonderful summer to remember. I can only hope. Rich and I have an appointment with an infertility doctor on the 28th im soo very scared that he is going to tell me that we cant have babies.

I Think Im Being Punished

I know that ive dont wrong in the past, and im still doing wrong with the whole talking to Tom thing. I am truely in love with him though I will never meet him. He is what keeps me going, when im done and think that I cant go on, he is the one who truely cares about me ( even if hes careing about a beautiful woman, not me). So im still stuck in it all and I know some people would say its cheating and im sure if I really thought about it, I would think the same. My problem is Rich, hes always checking on line to see what his ex is up too. It bothers me Im afraid that im his second choice and that he would be with her if she would have him. I have talked to him about this and he says that I have nothing to worry about, but still he checks.

Im thinking its some kind of carma thing, im getting back what im giving or some shit like that. I mean it makes me crazy even though I know that hes not seeing anyone else, I do know that sometimes he is talking to a couple of girls on the phone and online, seeing how i figured out his password to his myspace, aol, and yahoo accounts. And yesterday there was an email that he wrote to a woman on myspace saying the he was single and was a career firefighter. I think he has self asteem problems and feels the need to be someone hes not. I just think its sad that he does this at other peoples expense. Does he plan on leading this woman on? Does he plan on cheating on me or leaving me for someone else? Maybe looking to see if he can get someone better than me. God knows there are plenty of woman out there better. Last night I had a complete breakdown after I got out of the shower. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, you are the ugliest girl in the world, you dont deseve to be loved, so why would anyone love you. I wasent only thinking it, I was screaming it outloud. YOU FAT UGLY BITCH, KNOW ONE COULD EVER LOVE YOU!!!!!

The trouble with depression

I watched some show the other night on the human brain. A big part of the hour show was about how cocaine effects the brain. I guess when you do it it boost's some chemical in you to make you happy. If you do too much of it eventually your body stops making that chemical and it kicks you into depression. So the only way for you to be "happy" is doing the drug. Is that the most insane thing you have ever heard? When I look back on how things happend in my life, I had always been a depressed person, I think maybe thats why I started using cocaine to begin with. When I was partying everyone was my friend, we all had such a great time. And for the first time in my life a felt like I actually had "friends". Once I got into it pretty heavy I got insanely depressed ( not that it stoped my from shoving it up my nose). So depressed that I ended up on prozac and adivan. Its not a good thing to give a "drug addict" prescription tranquilizers/sleeping pills. All the more partying you can do, take a pill and fall asleep.

I didnt really think back then that i was an addict, now that im not using and i think about the things that i did and how far gone i really was, im really suprised that i was able to stop. The using of the cocaine as a recreational drug had turned into me sitting at home alone and cooking it so that i could smoke it. The only thing that i miss about those days was the feeling that i got when i took my first hit. I miss that feeling, i miss it all the time. But in order to get that feeling many things are involved. Nevermind that you then spend the next 7 to 12 hours chassing the pipe trying to get the feeling of that first hit. Your never going to get that one great hit, but you still try.

I dont know where all this is coming from or why im even talking about it. Guess ive just been thinking about it lately, wanting that feeling that only comes from taking a hit. Im not going back to it, i just need some place to talk about it.

Did you ever wonder?

Im wondering if my life would be where it is now if it werent for the places that I have already been. If I didnt get so heavy into drugs and the party scene would I be a better person than I am now? Would it have changed my out come in the long run. Im not sure that I would take any of it back, the more that I think about it the more I see how I was taken advantage of. My brother is the most of all. I still love him more than I can express but im ashamed of the things we did while on drugs. He should have looked out for me instead of throwing me in the loop to have his fun with. Damn him for ruinning everything. I dont think we will ever speek again and he only live 5 miles down the road. He will never get so see my kids grow up ( when i do finally get pregnant) he will not be apart of any aspect in my life. And he will carry on being the great funny guy whose the life of the party that im not at, and he will continue to have his face reflecting in a mirror with a little straw jammed up his nose.

I dont know why im thinking about this today, Im really missing him though. I shouldnt, i know that. But I just remembet the days when I thought that my big brother was the best thing in the world. Nothing could hurt me, I would always be protected, And I would always be loved. Thats not how it is anymore and I guess in order for me to have the good, I have to take the very very bad with it and im not willing to do that anymore.

I just miss the good times even if I was high