The Doctor appt.

Well Tuesday Rich and I have our first infertility appt. Im so fucking nervous!!! Im afriad the doc is going to tell me to lose weight and we should be fine. Ive been feeling sick so i thought that maybe i was preggos so Rich made me take a test even though im not late yet so it came back neg. O well guess well keep trying

Spring Is In The Air

So things are finally feeling alittle better for me. Last week was ruff for some reason, i was just really sad. I had a pretty good weekend, Rich and I actually spent some time together on Saturday. I ended up drinking two bottles of very cheap wine and he, about 15 beers. We were pretty out of it, had some almost really good sex too.

Everything is starting to grow outside, i love spring. It gives me the feeling of hope and new life. Maybe this spring will bring me a pregnancy and a wonderful summer to remember. I can only hope. Rich and I have an appointment with an infertility doctor on the 28th im soo very scared that he is going to tell me that we cant have babies.

I Think Im Being Punished

I know that ive dont wrong in the past, and im still doing wrong with the whole talking to Tom thing. I am truely in love with him though I will never meet him. He is what keeps me going, when im done and think that I cant go on, he is the one who truely cares about me ( even if hes careing about a beautiful woman, not me). So im still stuck in it all and I know some people would say its cheating and im sure if I really thought about it, I would think the same. My problem is Rich, hes always checking on line to see what his ex is up too. It bothers me Im afraid that im his second choice and that he would be with her if she would have him. I have talked to him about this and he says that I have nothing to worry about, but still he checks.

Im thinking its some kind of carma thing, im getting back what im giving or some shit like that. I mean it makes me crazy even though I know that hes not seeing anyone else, I do know that sometimes he is talking to a couple of girls on the phone and online, seeing how i figured out his password to his myspace, aol, and yahoo accounts. And yesterday there was an email that he wrote to a woman on myspace saying the he was single and was a career firefighter. I think he has self asteem problems and feels the need to be someone hes not. I just think its sad that he does this at other peoples expense. Does he plan on leading this woman on? Does he plan on cheating on me or leaving me for someone else? Maybe looking to see if he can get someone better than me. God knows there are plenty of woman out there better. Last night I had a complete breakdown after I got out of the shower. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, you are the ugliest girl in the world, you dont deseve to be loved, so why would anyone love you. I wasent only thinking it, I was screaming it outloud. YOU FAT UGLY BITCH, KNOW ONE COULD EVER LOVE YOU!!!!!

The trouble with depression

I watched some show the other night on the human brain. A big part of the hour show was about how cocaine effects the brain. I guess when you do it it boost's some chemical in you to make you happy. If you do too much of it eventually your body stops making that chemical and it kicks you into depression. So the only way for you to be "happy" is doing the drug. Is that the most insane thing you have ever heard? When I look back on how things happend in my life, I had always been a depressed person, I think maybe thats why I started using cocaine to begin with. When I was partying everyone was my friend, we all had such a great time. And for the first time in my life a felt like I actually had "friends". Once I got into it pretty heavy I got insanely depressed ( not that it stoped my from shoving it up my nose). So depressed that I ended up on prozac and adivan. Its not a good thing to give a "drug addict" prescription tranquilizers/sleeping pills. All the more partying you can do, take a pill and fall asleep.

I didnt really think back then that i was an addict, now that im not using and i think about the things that i did and how far gone i really was, im really suprised that i was able to stop. The using of the cocaine as a recreational drug had turned into me sitting at home alone and cooking it so that i could smoke it. The only thing that i miss about those days was the feeling that i got when i took my first hit. I miss that feeling, i miss it all the time. But in order to get that feeling many things are involved. Nevermind that you then spend the next 7 to 12 hours chassing the pipe trying to get the feeling of that first hit. Your never going to get that one great hit, but you still try.

I dont know where all this is coming from or why im even talking about it. Guess ive just been thinking about it lately, wanting that feeling that only comes from taking a hit. Im not going back to it, i just need some place to talk about it.