Did you ever wonder?

Im wondering if my life would be where it is now if it werent for the places that I have already been. If I didnt get so heavy into drugs and the party scene would I be a better person than I am now? Would it have changed my out come in the long run. Im not sure that I would take any of it back, the more that I think about it the more I see how I was taken advantage of. My brother is the most of all. I still love him more than I can express but im ashamed of the things we did while on drugs. He should have looked out for me instead of throwing me in the loop to have his fun with. Damn him for ruinning everything. I dont think we will ever speek again and he only live 5 miles down the road. He will never get so see my kids grow up ( when i do finally get pregnant) he will not be apart of any aspect in my life. And he will carry on being the great funny guy whose the life of the party that im not at, and he will continue to have his face reflecting in a mirror with a little straw jammed up his nose.

I dont know why im thinking about this today, Im really missing him though. I shouldnt, i know that. But I just remembet the days when I thought that my big brother was the best thing in the world. Nothing could hurt me, I would always be protected, And I would always be loved. Thats not how it is anymore and I guess in order for me to have the good, I have to take the very very bad with it and im not willing to do that anymore.

I just miss the good times even if I was high

My Iris Is Back

Thank the Lord that she is ok. Let me start by saying that Iris is a girl whos blog was the first that I ever read. I found her to be the most interesting person that I had seen in a long time. So many of the things that this poor girl was going through I had gone through. I lived to read what was going on in her life and how she was dealing with it, longing for her to put her comment link back up so that I could express to her that she wasent alone. She never did put it back up and after a series of awful things that were going on for her she dropped of the face of the earth. I was afraid that something really bad had happend to her. Some of the entries that she wrote while in a bad state she had deleted but not before I had read them. So I had a genuine fear for her well being. I check everyday to see if she has posted and after 2 and a hald months to my happiness she finally posted. IRIS IS OK! She's been through a lot these past months and hasent gone into details, but I have faith that see will. And I pray that she will someday soon put her comment link up so that I can express myself to her.

And as for me on the home front, Rich finally got the job working for the Dept. of Corrections. He seems to really like it so heres hopeing. On the other end he got kicked out of the fire academy, long story that involves his uncle. All a bunch of bullshit. Im feeling alittle sad today although Iris did pick me up a bunch, I just cant get out of this funk.

Nothings Changed

Same old same old going on. Rich drinks a 12 pack a day and sits at home waiting to start his "new" job . I go to work and worry about money.

I dont know why i even have this stupid blog, its not like anyone cares about my sad pathetic life. So its not like anyone is getting any amusment out of this. And when I look back on it all it just makes me sick to think that "THIS IS MY LIFE"

Maybe I'll just quit the whole blogging thing